Codependency is a hell of a drug

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By: Chelsea Montes de Oca

Codependency is a hell of a drug

It’s the imaginary bugs that you dug

From under your skin in panic

It’s the mobile itch that makes you manic

It’s these words you write

Blind in the unknown night

It’s the biting cold

When you can’t stand to be alone

It’s the excuses and ties

Used to piece together the lies

Its warped love that you can’t stand

But the fix your soul demands

So fuck it, I’m out

I’m choosing another route

Ignoring your texts and calls

Please know you did nothing at all

Because whoever is by my side

Is the voice that resides

In my head telling me I’m worth it

The voice that tells me I’m important

That voice needs to be mine

And it’s in no way defined

Enough to hold my world’s weight

To carry my heavy fate

Your words paint a lovely view

But one I can’t run to

Insignificance consumes me indefinitely

And my soul that can’t live this way irrevocably

Your words won’t be here forever

So these ties I must severe

Stunted growth may exist without pain

But self-inflicted shackles are less than humane

Everyone I assign a place

Time will write in then erase

Not everyone is a lifeline

Either a reason, season or lifetime

You can’t be all three

Codependency will be the death of me

Because I always hold on for far too long

To a reason or season already gone

So let me become my own voice

Sharpen my tools to make noise

Let me live truly independent

To stop from being so love dependent

Make room for what you deserve

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I feel like this is better when it’s read aloud but still posting it.

I’m convinced

This world is in a perpetual state of loneliness

Since about the age of three

Disney movies have been telling me

Without a man, I’m nothing

My observations have allowed me to see

That an influential man didn’t help birth me

So let’s see what the dating world brings

A lack of results and sheer colored panic

Lovely

Thusly disappointment after disappointment

Reveal this skewed perception shown

It’s all too well known

You see, either you settle or you are alone

But these desperate undertones

Shake and rattle my bones

Fake moans and un-atoned sins

And again it begins

I can’t seem to win

Feel like a snake in this skin

Sick of sleeping on pins

And needles waiting to feel

Dreamed reality from the movie reels become surreal

And these layers are toxic deals

These layers whose ever-changing colors appeal

To everyone except me

But I don’t know any other way to be

Dysfunctional loyalties rooted so deeply

It’s like I’ve been sleeping

If a tree entrenched in its ways

Finally uproots and walks away

And nobody is there with attention to pay

Does it make a sound?

Does it shake the ground?

Call attention to lonely souls around?

Cause I could really use a rebound

But wait

Fuck that predetermined fate

Fuck this perpetual weight

Have some faith

There’s a reason it’s called a clean slate

Those sound waves will translate

To the language of my soul mates

I’m not sorry if I struck a nerve

Or for feelings I didn’t conserve

Cause I’m running on reserves

There’s no time to waste

I’m comfortably close to what doesn’t serve

and miles away from what I deserve