Anxiety

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There is a scream inside my head

And it will not let me rest

Around me, the silence is maddening

Inside me, this scream is deafening

 

It envelopes every resting thought

It swallows my imagination

Around me, others walk contently

Inside me, my heart paces rapidly

 

This scream in my head is rather needy

Time of day or responsibilities are not priorities

It decides when to come and go

Not satiated with yes or no

 

It needs complex answers to impossible questions

To hear it’s echoes in places unmentioned

Legitimacy, it needs

For the anxiety and guilt, it feeds

 

So where’s my release?

You tell me

It’s certainly not in this 10 x 12 box

With chipped walls and ceiling rot

It’s not in this endless stream on my laptop

 

The stream of sound that lives in me

So loud I can’t remember to breath

It’s the cancer that rots my bones

The substance abuse that kills my soul

The scream that none but I know

That slowly etches its toll

 

These content beings in their silence, kill me

Just shut up and give me peace

If not peace, give me apathy

For once, let me feel nothing

 

Or find a way through the synapses of my brain

Down my left or right membranes

Through my fists or my mouth

Please, just get out

 

Quit tainting my every thought with dry rot

Quit drowning me in negativity

Distracting me from possibility

Let me be

 

When I try to muffle the cries

This screaming, I can’t subside

Like it lives deep within me

In parts I can’t reach

 

So I carry on in this 10×12 box

With chipped walls and ceiling rot

All the while, this scream in my head

Steals the night from me again

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Ode to Social Media

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The digital web of egos shout, “I’m right”
While logic drowns in digital noise
Submerged in static, too blind to see
It’s not bombs, guns or military toys
That’s not what will destroy

This arrogance, This ignorance
Talking with our ears closed
Trust me my friends
Our weakness we’ve long since exposed

Poems of my past

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We’re tiny vessels in this big machine

Moving product and paper disguised as dreams

Fueled by fear and cheap champagne

Smuggling anesthetics to forget the pain

We walk these roads of self-deceit

A mix of rain and oil swirled beneath our feet

Glowing bright to distract our eyes

From our bodies crumbling into inevitable demise

Brick by Brick these walls grow higher

Wall after wall we simply grow tired

Of breaking down these barriers

It’s a disease and we’re all carriers

We’d rather slowly rot from inside

Escape behind our walls to hide

Than stare love in the face

And break down these divides with grace

We’d rather slowly rot from inside

Escape behind our walls to hide

Than admit that we care

And lay our chests bare

So I’ll keep you at an arm’s length

Manipulate the definition of strength

So that it fits my present tense

So that it fits this perpetual state of loneliness

And I know you will do the same

It’s all the same baggage with a different name

We’ll lie naked like lovers

But we could not be any more covered

Fall-ing

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As the leaves change

Strange as my moods

Green like insecurity

Yellow like promise

Red like passion

My branches can’t shake em

Can’t shake this itch; this feeling

Something big is approaching

My body would die for leaving

My body fights its stubborn roots

Something’s missing here

As the green falls around me

I know you feel it too my dear

I’m rooted here

In love and memories

Shade and comfort shedding

Bask in this with me

and say you’re staying

Cause this war is all but civil

I can’t be the only one who sees it

See this war is deep and it is buried

I won’t trust those who can’t feel it

But you’re beautiful like rain

Rare but familiar in a way

Like you’ll wash it away

Oh please don’t go away

Sink deep and move slow

But please don’t go

My dear technically I’m dying

But it’s merely just the season

There’s life left here

I can’t be the only one that sees it

I won’t trust those who can’t feel it

Mothers Day

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It’s ironic. For someone who considers writing to be a true passion, I often have trouble putting my memories into words. My mind runs like a silent film. I only think in pictures. I can visualize down to an article of clothing. I can feel every bit of emotion from the moment. But the captions are always blurry.

From that time I was in 4th grade; I walked into the girls bathroom talking shit about a friend only to see a stall door swing open and feel the cold rush of her crying past me. I feel the wave of guilt and humiliation I felt back then. The reel skips to a 19 year old me. I’m spinning in my stepdad’s computer chair talking with my mom. We are solemnly discussing the latest person to have wronged me and his unforgivable assaults on my being. I’m angry and cynical. I hear nothing but I’m watching my mouth spew out hate and frustration and pain. I say something along the lines of “He deserves to be hurt.” My mother snaps back and horrified she says something to the effect of “No Chelsea, just because someone hurts you doesn’t give you the right to hurt them back.”

It doesn’t really matter if those were the exact words that flowed between us then. It matters how it made me feel. That guilty and humiliated feeling when I’m faced by the reminder that no one deserves to have pain inflicted upon them, even if they’ve done it to me.

One of my favorite authors writes that “the fathers job is to teach his children how to be warriors. To give them the confidence to get on the horse to ride to battle when it’s necessary to do so. If you don’t get that from your father, you have to teach yourself.”

So to my mother: You’ve taught me doing battle isn’t with an iron fist. That facing the trials of growing up should be done with strength but accompanied with compassion and grace.

You’ve taught me that listening is sometimes more important than getting your point across

You’ve taught me that trying to change people is a tireless game you will always lose. That it’s not simply right and wrong but right or wrong for you.

You guided a difficult girl through her awkward youth with more patience than I probably deserved.

You always tell me that since I was a baby I’ve been introspective, observant and emotionally intelligent. Maybe that’s true. But without you, I think the world would have successfully suppressed those qualities a long time ago. Thank you for always celebrating who I am.

If a mothers job is to teach her children how to treat people, then you have done your job and more.

Love always,

Chels

Re-defining the F-word

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Words are powerful tools; they paint pictures, articulate emotions, inspire movements. They can also carry baggage. The word feminism signifies different things to many. To the 90 year old white woman who grew up among the suffrage movement it may mean voting and property rights. To the 60 year old African American woman it may mean the fight for sexual and reproductive rights. To a large portion of the millennial generation feminism has become a curse word.


Lost in translation?

The word “feminism” has been defined in different ways over the course of history.

1880s – French origins, it comes from two words Femme, which means woman and “ism” which is a political identity

1890s – First used in English in association with the suffrage movement.

1960s–1980s – Second wave movement seeking to address the overall issue of gender roles

1979 –“Womanism” was coined by African American woman, Alice Walker, who felt black women couldn’t identify with traditional feminism because it only represented “upper class, white woman”.

1990s to presentThird wave feminism seeking to address flaws in previous movements and non-inclusion of women from different cultures and sexual identities

2004 – Rush Limbaugh coins the term femi-nazi


In fact, a survey done by HuffPost/Yougov found that only 20% of Americans identify themselves as feminists. The same poll found that 87% of respondents believe that “men and women should be social, political, and economic equals” which tends to be the agreed upon definition of feminism. So how did this word, once synonymous with equality, transition to one with which people can’t identify? Dr. Feitz, a professor for gender and women studies at the University of Denver (DU), feels this may be because millennials don’t fully understand the work that went into past feminist movements.

“There’s some taken advantage of privileges,” she says. “There’s some real misunderstandings about what women have done before you [millennials] in order to pave the way for you to be here, for me to be here, and so that to me is an important social movement that we don’t study and teach in schools the same way we do in other movements.”

Sable Shultz, a master’s candidate and co-chair for the annual DU women’s conference, also thinks knowing the movement’s history plays a big role in the understanding of feminism. “There was an active attempt that started up through the 80s to disparage feminism and feminists…It was mocked in media. The idea that feminists are men-hating women comes from the late 70s and early 80s,” she says. “I can’t blame millennials for taking this certain attitude because there was a concerted effort to make feminism go away or make it seem irrelevant….And guess what? It was successful.”1

Thomas Walker, Director of Educational Programs and LQBTQI services, expands on this historical context. “…because early reaction to male domination had to be so disruptive. Had to be so loud and in your face to be heard…there’s some of that baggage in just the term itself in our usage. People from whatever identity are a little afraid to take on that political label….’can’t we all just get a long’ is a draw and feminism is seen as kind of rocking the boat even if they would agree with the idea”

You can see these sentiments echoed more and more on social media. Many question what feminists actually have to fight for currently and that the movement is no longer relevant because women have reached equal standards. There are others who believe the movement doesn’t represent their ideals as well. This backlash has gained popularity from men in the form of what’s called the meninist movement, ironically a term originally coined to describe male feminists. Anti-feminist opinions have also gained popularity amongst women on websites such as Tumblr and Facebook. Anti-feminist messaging is seen frequently in mainstream news outlets.

Shultz believes this messaging has been around for a while and tends to take the front stage. “…the messaging that dominates the conversation that either comes from or is echoed from that portion who wants to discount or dismiss feminism. The loudest voices are the voices that say, ‘you already get to vote right? Oh if you just worked harder. If you just leaned in, if you just networked more.’…the dialogue that has dominated media and hardball_robertson_110707 007culture for so long says we are done with feminism and moved on. When in fact we haven’t.”

Walker echoes Shultz’s point by pointing out sexism, like many other “isms”, has gone from blatant acts to insidious and sometimes mindlessly placed norms within our systems. He reflects candidly on what he would consider his male privilege. “I always give people the example I will work late and not give a second thought to walking across campus to my car. Cause I as a man am taught to have very little reason to fear for my physical sexual safety”.

“I think there is a difficulty with accepting the system,” Walker says. “[Men say] ‘Well I don’t beat women up’…So it’s like saying “I’m not racist because I don’t join the KKK and burn crosses’…whether that be sexual assault or wage inequality or the more unconscious bias, you don’t have to be an explicit “ist”, to fall prey to that mindset. Immense amounts of research has found that because we are raised in the system, whether we agree with it or realize it, we are still active in that”.

He goes on to describe the how we see this insidious bias play out in microcosms such as University campuses. “…social work and education are predominately women because that’s what people still think women should be doing. And the guys in those programs get negative messages. I had a College of ED student who wants to work with preschoolers and someone told him that ‘was kind of creepy that a man would want to work with kids’. On the flip side in S.T.E.M (Science, technology, engineering, manufacturing) very few women comparatively, so those messages are obviously still out there.”

Beyond all this, the sentiment that feminism is a women’s issue that only impacts women tends to be a contested view among feminists and non-feminists alike. This would have some like Feitz concerned by the movements overall need for men or “male feminists”.


Male Feminists

As DU student, Adrian Cabral, would say “…being a male feminist means I stand in solidarity with feminists in that I make sure that my male privilege is not taking precedence over whatever movement or action they are taking. I take a backseat in making sure I’m there in solidarity but not taking over the conversation.”

Famous male feminists include actors Joseph Gordon Levitt and Ryan Gosling who have taken a very public stance on the issue of feminism. Included in that list is popular comedian, Louis CK, who playfully jokes about serious topics regarding women’s experience:

“How do women still go out with guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number one threat to women! Globally and historically, we’re the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our [men] number one threat is? Heart disease.”


“There’s a perception of women feeling superior to men or wanting to get rid of men women seeing men as irrelevant. All of these are absolutely wrong, it has nothing to do in many ways with being dominant over men…Men are really key to educating and calling out their peers either for sexist comments or normalizing the objectification of women. I have great faith in men.”

Feitz noted the importance of studying masculinity at the same time as femininity and Shultz emphasized why.

“Much of feminism for a long time was dominated by telling women they need to act more like men…Hilary Clinton, Condoleezza Rice, wonderful women and very powerful women. But if you look at how they present themselves…as like one of the guys in a lot of ways. We’ve never taken on the celebration of womanhood and upheld that as a value of feminism.”

She also touches on how patriarchal attitudes oppress men and contributes her thoughts to the increasing conversation of why men could in fact benefit from feminism as a whole.

“If you look at masculinity now…it’s toxic. If women are one thing then men have to be the opposite of that….masculinity and manhood is what women are not. So anything that gets assigned to the women bucket, gets taken out of the man bucket. Leaving fewer and fewer options for the man bucket. You can see this and how it impacts [male] career choice…That’s one reason why men need feminism, is so they can start pulling apart and dismantling these constructs which keep them defined to an incredibly narrowing role of possibilities and telling them they have to be certain ways in order to be viewed as men.”

Of course, these limitations on male identity and female identity are all socially constructed in the first place, perpetuated by the notion of “opposite genders”. Walker has some interesting thoughts on how this mindset inevitably propagates itself.

“Having privilege doesn’t mean you don’t have problems….they [anti-feminists] may not buy into the system. They may believe they have their own problems so they don’t have time to fight others. If we can get past all that there’s still this fundamental inclination for people to think, ‘for you to gain, I have to lose.’ If I acknowledge that there is inequity then the easiest way to equalize is to take away. ‘If you get more pie then I by definition get less pie’ instead of presume that there’s other things to eat…there are these paradoxes in the system that are intentionally fixed to protect itself. The idea of “for you to gain, I have to lose” keeps the system in place”.

Among all this re-branding of feminism has come the disagreement over what simply the term even means. This has people like Walker concerned about how much time we should spend on the word itself.

“Feminism is one approach or one label and if we get too caught up on that’s the box we have to check for everybody, well now we are arguing over labels rather than the struggle itself. The system didn’t get made over night it’s not designed to be simple or to undo with a flip of a switch. The trick is how much time do we want to spend on the categories or labels instead of challenging the system?…If you really believe in it then it doesn’t matter what you get called. In fact you will probably get called names”.

With the ever-changing face of what feminism can look like, the word’s definition has become harder to pin down. One thing is for certain, there are still stereotypes and gender issues prevalent in our society. Is arguing the mere definition of the preferred terminology taking away from the overall issue?

Shultz believes there can be multiple definitions for something we all have a stake in. “What being a women is to a white women is different than being a woman of color. Just because they are women doesn’t mean they know all women experiences…it’s about being an active participant in movements that may not be always about you”.

Feitz believes this is not only key to good thought but to good activism. “I like to think it’s important for people to realize that not all feminists and women have the same issues…I think people before they start talking about ‘all men’ or ‘all women’ need to step back and look at the bigger picture.

Walker also believes there needs to be a shift in mindset around the way we view conflict. “This focus on ‘can’t we all just get along’ is a really watered down reading of it. It masks the system and makes it hard to get to it, whatever it is, racism, sexism”.

It would seem that feminism is not about everyone “getting along”. It’s about recognizing everyone has something at stake here. As history has proven, there will continue to be a fight for equality among all identities. Unconsciously or consciously, however they identify or define the F word, it might be time for millennials to realize they are a part of that fight too.

My Thinking Spot

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Here I sit

Where imagination meets reality

They crash together a million pieces

And I don’t know which is which

Here I sit

In the place I call home

But it doesn’t feel like home

Its absence of love confirms I’m alone

Here

I sit

Where the flickering jungle meets the absent sky

Where cars fly by and I don’t know who’s inside

But I wonder if they’ve felt this pain in me

And where they sit to let it bleed

I wonder if they know they aren’t alone

That they have left their mark some place

They may not even know

Because no one ever lets you know

Here I sit

Where expectations meet reality

And the difference nearly shatters me

They don’t know

I’ve stared at this paper too blurry to see

I’ve let this cynical world tear at every ideal in me

This relentless hope is quite possibly killing me

My imagination sees what it wants to see

And so desperately wants to be reality

So I sit

I come to grips

Let the ice cold certainty wash over me

You had your way with every part of me

I imagine setting fire to the bridge in front of me

But that’s not reality

You’ve left your hand in the way

And I don’t think you’ll ever know

A pain shoots in my chest when I wonder

If you have too felt this blow

But no I won’t let you know

And that is my truth

So here I sit

Where my present meets my past

And I try to find light in the shadow its cast